The most comprehensive collection of Clarkson's quotes - Part 3

And its back!

Part 1

Part 2

• Traffic jams

Don't use it (motorways). Don't use it. Stay at work, be productive and buy yourself a helicopter.

• Driving across the Okavango Delta

Men in camouflage trousers in Wales who like murdering people at weekends would say this was tough going.

• Toyota Prius

The only thing that drinks more is the English cricket team.

• Porsche Cayman

There are many things I’d rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.

• Pagani Zonda

Really! It’s like a lion in orange dungarees. Kind of fierce, but ridiculous all at the same time.

• Mercedes CLS 55 AMG

Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss.

• Rolls Royce Phantom

I imagined that driving this car through a village would be a bit like trying to thread an oil rig through someone’s letterbox.

• BMW Z3

And if you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning and think you are an onion, here’s your car.

• BMW M3 CSL

This is the car bought by the type of man who lies awake at night thinking about his gear shift aggression strategy for the drive to work the next morning.

• Cyclists

The cyclist is ‘a guest on roads that are paid for by motorists’

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The most comprehensive collection of Clarkson's quotes - Part 2

Part I

And the most epic collection continues!

• Ariel Atom

This is driving Nirvana! You can forget anything you've ever driven, anything. There is no car, nothing on four wheels, that is as fast as this.

• Bentley Arnage

It's like Blenheim Palace on wheels!

• Aston Martin Vantage

I would rather be in this than in Keira Knightley.

• Toyota Yaris Verso

This car is for the men whose lives are completely empty... and they are looking forward to the day they will die because it will give them something to do.

• Nissan Almera

Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you've got the ebola virus and you're about to sneeze.

• Proton Savvy

No, no, no. There's no such thing as cheap and cheerful. It's cheap and nasty & expensive and cheerful.

• Ford Galaxy

I'd rather go to work on my hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy; Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation; I would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy.

• Suzuki Wagon R

You do not just avoid the Suzuki Wagon R. You avoid it like you would avoid unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite.

• Toyota Camry

Whenever I'm suffering from Insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I'm straight off.

• McLaren MP4-12C

Let me put it this way. The Ferrari is a pair of stockings. The McLaren is a pair of tights. Scientifically and mathematically and practically, the McLaren is better. And yet somehow, it isn't.

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Can social media revive a dead car?

Here is the story so far.

Joel Ewanick, the CMO Global Marketing at General Motors, recently joined Twitter. A Twitter user called @chevalanche tweeted Joel with a simple request, "I want an El Camino. Badly. Please!". To this, Joel replied, "well, we need you and 100000 of your best friends".

What they are talking about here is Chevrolet's El Camino, a half coupé half pickup truck. It has been dead since 1987 and the closest thing to that design that exists today is the Holden Ute Series II. It is indeed sad that such an extroverted design is so rare today. Can anything persuade GM to bring it back?

Maybe, Social Media?

Popular automobile cult website Jalopnik picked up the conversation and appealed to all its followers, through Facebook and Twitter, to comment on a post which talks about the development so far. If the number of comments surpasses 100000, GM will, if they have any pride and honour, bring back a design that is pretty much dead in the automobile world.

So far they have registered 1800 comments in 2 days. It will be interesting to see where Joel's slightly careless comment leads. I am not a personal fan of the El Camino but it is such an irrational design that the world would definitely be a livelier place with it around. GM can also earn itself a 'cool' badge if they make this happen!

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The most comprehensive collection of Clarkson's quotes - Part 1

There are car show presenters, and then there is Jeremy Clarkson. If you are not a 'petrolhead', here's a good place to start knowing him. The most epic things about Clarkson are his quotes; mostly about cars but limited to almost nothing.

With this post, I am trying to compile some of the most hilarious, controversial, shocking, complex and rhetorical quotes that we have heard from JC on Top Gear ever since the new format took off in 2002. I also promise to come up with more posts on this so that you can eventually find all his quotes on my blog!

• Porsche Cayenne

'I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It is a monkfish among cars. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis and frankly i would rather walk back to the studio than drive another yard in it.'

'0-60 takes 5 and a half seconds and about 17 gallons of fuel.'

• Fiat Panda

'People who bought the Fiat Panda said that it wasn't as bad as they were expecting it would be. That's like buying a ton of manure and saying "It doesn't smell that bad actually"

• Alfa Romeo Brera

'Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You’ve heard she’s mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn’t you?'

'It's like Cameron Diaz. You know she's a vegetarian, you know she's a commited eco-mentalist... would you say no? That car is like Cameron Diaz, with wheels.''

• Porsche Carrera GT

'Supercars are supposed to run over Arthur Scargill and then run over him again for good measure. They are designed to melt ice caps, kill the poor, poison the water table, destroy the ozone layer, decimate indigenous wildlife, recapture the Falkland Islands and turn the entire third world into a huge uninhabitable desert, all that before they nicked all the oil in the world. This does't feel like it will do any of those.'

• Land Rover LR3

'As a result, it weighs 2.7 tonnnes - and that makes it heavier than a Rolls-Royce Phantom. It's so heavy, that if you were to load it up with stuff, and then hitch up a trailor to the back; technically, you need an LGV licence.'

• Bentley Continental GT

'It's (adjustable suspension) really as useful, as a snooze button on a smoke alarm.'

• Audi R8

'Driving most supercars is like trying to manhandle a cow up a back staircase, but this is like smearing honey onto Keira Knightley.'

• Ferrari 355

'The Ferrari 355 is like a quail's egg dipped in celery salt and served in Julia Roberts' belly button.'

• Porsche Boxster

'It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom.'

• Mercedes Benz CLS55 AMG

'It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.'

• Aston Marting DB9

'That's not really a racing car, that's just pornography.'

'I’m sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you’ve got even half a scrotum it’s not going to happen.' Read further

Battle of the 700+ bhp

First there was Ferrari, then Lamborghini and then there was Pagani. Pagani shamed the might of the established supercar manufacturers with the Zonda and its countless iteration (about 18) of them! For a manufacturer which has made ummm... only 1 car, that was quite an epic achievement.

Now there is a new Pagani - the Huayra. Difficult-to-pronounce-names aside, it takes the manufacturer forward in terms of performance, but also 'backward' in terms of styling. I really don't think it has the same 'shock and awe' effect as the Zonda had. Look for yourself and decide.

Here's the Zonda:



And now the Huayra:


Not exactly a looker is it? Regardless, the vital number here is 730 bhp which should take the Huayra to 233 mph or a point where you would be making 'huayra' noises from your mouth. However, the Huayra is not the only predator in the automobile jungle.

Let me introduce you to another 700 bhp monster - the Gumpert Tornante. Its predecessor, the Apollo, whipped all other supercars (including the Zonda) around the Top Gear test track. The Tornante should be faster and far more pleasing on the eyes at the same time. This car should be able to take Gumpert from being a 'neither here nor there' manufacturer to a serious contender. Or will it?


Not to be outdone, the biggest bad boy in history isn't lying around waiting to be dethroned. Lamborghini is all set to join this 700 bhp battle with its Aventador! Easily the best looking of the trio, it will hit 0-60 mph in under 3 seconds and reach an estimated 217 mph. While those figures may be top trumped by the Pagani and the Gumpert, the Lamborghini would cost 'only' $370000 compared to the Huayra's $1.5 million and the Tornante's $800000.

The supercar scene is move alive and kicking that it ever was! Which side are you on? Me? Well until the replacement for the Ferrari Enzo is launched, I will side with the current supercar king - Pagani. Read further