The most comprehensive collection of Clarkson's quotes - Part 3

And its back!

Part 1

Part 2

• Traffic jams

Don't use it (motorways). Don't use it. Stay at work, be productive and buy yourself a helicopter.

• Driving across the Okavango Delta

Men in camouflage trousers in Wales who like murdering people at weekends would say this was tough going.

• Toyota Prius

The only thing that drinks more is the English cricket team.

• Porsche Cayman

There are many things I’d rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.

• Pagani Zonda

Really! It’s like a lion in orange dungarees. Kind of fierce, but ridiculous all at the same time.

• Mercedes CLS 55 AMG

Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss.

• Rolls Royce Phantom

I imagined that driving this car through a village would be a bit like trying to thread an oil rig through someone’s letterbox.

• BMW Z3

And if you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning and think you are an onion, here’s your car.

• BMW M3 CSL

This is the car bought by the type of man who lies awake at night thinking about his gear shift aggression strategy for the drive to work the next morning.

• Cyclists

The cyclist is ‘a guest on roads that are paid for by motorists’

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The most comprehensive collection of Clarkson's quotes - Part 2

Part I

And the most epic collection continues!

• Ariel Atom

This is driving Nirvana! You can forget anything you've ever driven, anything. There is no car, nothing on four wheels, that is as fast as this.

• Bentley Arnage

It's like Blenheim Palace on wheels!

• Aston Martin Vantage

I would rather be in this than in Keira Knightley.

• Toyota Yaris Verso

This car is for the men whose lives are completely empty... and they are looking forward to the day they will die because it will give them something to do.

• Nissan Almera

Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you've got the ebola virus and you're about to sneeze.

• Proton Savvy

No, no, no. There's no such thing as cheap and cheerful. It's cheap and nasty & expensive and cheerful.

• Ford Galaxy

I'd rather go to work on my hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy; Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation; I would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy.

• Suzuki Wagon R

You do not just avoid the Suzuki Wagon R. You avoid it like you would avoid unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite.

• Toyota Camry

Whenever I'm suffering from Insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I'm straight off.

• McLaren MP4-12C

Let me put it this way. The Ferrari is a pair of stockings. The McLaren is a pair of tights. Scientifically and mathematically and practically, the McLaren is better. And yet somehow, it isn't.

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The most comprehensive collection of Clarkson's quotes - Part 1

There are car show presenters, and then there is Jeremy Clarkson. If you are not a 'petrolhead', here's a good place to start knowing him. The most epic things about Clarkson are his quotes; mostly about cars but limited to almost nothing.

With this post, I am trying to compile some of the most hilarious, controversial, shocking, complex and rhetorical quotes that we have heard from JC on Top Gear ever since the new format took off in 2002. I also promise to come up with more posts on this so that you can eventually find all his quotes on my blog!

• Porsche Cayenne

'I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It is a monkfish among cars. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis and frankly i would rather walk back to the studio than drive another yard in it.'

'0-60 takes 5 and a half seconds and about 17 gallons of fuel.'

• Fiat Panda

'People who bought the Fiat Panda said that it wasn't as bad as they were expecting it would be. That's like buying a ton of manure and saying "It doesn't smell that bad actually"

• Alfa Romeo Brera

'Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You’ve heard she’s mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn’t you?'

'It's like Cameron Diaz. You know she's a vegetarian, you know she's a commited eco-mentalist... would you say no? That car is like Cameron Diaz, with wheels.''

• Porsche Carrera GT

'Supercars are supposed to run over Arthur Scargill and then run over him again for good measure. They are designed to melt ice caps, kill the poor, poison the water table, destroy the ozone layer, decimate indigenous wildlife, recapture the Falkland Islands and turn the entire third world into a huge uninhabitable desert, all that before they nicked all the oil in the world. This does't feel like it will do any of those.'

• Land Rover LR3

'As a result, it weighs 2.7 tonnnes - and that makes it heavier than a Rolls-Royce Phantom. It's so heavy, that if you were to load it up with stuff, and then hitch up a trailor to the back; technically, you need an LGV licence.'

• Bentley Continental GT

'It's (adjustable suspension) really as useful, as a snooze button on a smoke alarm.'

• Audi R8

'Driving most supercars is like trying to manhandle a cow up a back staircase, but this is like smearing honey onto Keira Knightley.'

• Ferrari 355

'The Ferrari 355 is like a quail's egg dipped in celery salt and served in Julia Roberts' belly button.'

• Porsche Boxster

'It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom.'

• Mercedes Benz CLS55 AMG

'It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.'

• Aston Marting DB9

'That's not really a racing car, that's just pornography.'

'I’m sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you’ve got even half a scrotum it’s not going to happen.' Read further